Driven 2 B . . .
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "driven2b" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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11:53 pm
[Link] | Went to see Ben Lee tonight in concert.... he was very very good. Oh, and it kept me from being at home, near food. Thank you Ben Lee! lol
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11:16 pm
[Link] |
550 cals.... good good good
I never wrote about it before, but my older sister and I got in a fight last week over 20 $ (so stupid, i know) but anyways,,, she just came downstairs and paid me the money. It was never about the money, obviously,... and so now I just feel bad. She was very nice about it too tonight,,, unlike last week. I ignored her all weekend (mature of me, hey?) and i'm so happy that i dont have to anymore, cause it was pretty hard. Still feel bad.
Anyways... the rest of the day went well. I had a total of about 550 cals today. Yay! Tommorow morning I have an appointment/meeting with my volunteer placement thing. I'm excited to start my first task... wonder what it will be. Nervous too, cause i just feel like I should have more knowledge to "work" there. I'm sure it will be fine. I have a busy day tommorow... tan w/ J, meeting, school, work, then Grey's on again tommorow night (season finale) and so everyone's comin over again. I wonder how the eating will go w/ all of this. Hopefully good... Mondays are usually pretty good. The bar last night was good... next weekend is going to be so much fun!!
Current Mood:  cheerful
Current Music: roll into you - five times august
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10:56 am
[Link] |
Bad start to a weekend :(
Ok, so its nothing new to me that weekends are clearly the hardest times. Already i feel like I just want to eat all day. I just had a huge breakfast,,, i guess about 350 cals. (2 bowls of cereal :( and a yogurt) yikes! so i have to be VERy careful for the rest of the day. D wants to take me out for dinner tonight,,,,, I really wish we werent but we are going to a stir fry restaurant where there will be lots of vegetables, so i think it should be fine. I am going for a jog/run right now cause i feel if i dont i will just keep thinking about my huge breakfast and then just say fuck it to the rest of the day and eat everything. This cannot happen. Last night was fun, lind's new man is great! ANyways, i will post later, going to download some songs on my mp3 to take with me on my run.
Current Mood:  guilty
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03:19 pm
[Link] |
Good lunch!
Went shopping with J... spent too much money :( I hate when I do that. Oh well, I picked up a few extra shifts next week, so that should make up for it. Just finished lunch, i know im posting lots, but I feel i will forget what i ate if I don't. Just finished lunch (i guess dinner too)
2 egg whites = 50 cals
a bowl of vegetables = 100 cals
fat free cottage cheese (2 tbls) = 30
2 crackers = 35 cals
TOTAL FOR LUNCH = 215 cals
Total for the day = about 500-550 cals
Not bad. I will probably grab an apple after work or something since I sitll have another 200 cals left for today or so. Drank lots of water today ... yay!
I bought a whole bunch of work out clothes... what the hell am I going to wear tonight???????????????
Current Mood:  content
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11:56 am
[Link] |
Day....?
This morning went well, I didnt have my egg whites like i said i would, but my mom did, and she was like, "can i try a piece of the fat free cheese slice of yours to go with it?" lol, i thought it was so cute how she's trying to be more healthy like me. And she bought the food, so i was like take all you want. I had a bowl of cereal (of coarse) 200cals .... i mean, who ever really only takes a cup, 1 serving, of cereal? had it with soy milk today,,, soo good. and some strawberries (30 cals) and a fat free small yoghurt (40 cals). So far = 270 cals. Its already noon, just ate breakfast, so im thinking today will go well. Going out with j today to do some shopping. love her so much, she's so great! Anyways, i will post later.
Current Mood: full
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02:15 am
[Link] | There is so much good food in my fridge right now, its so hard not to go eat it. Tonight was fun, different crowd, but still good. I love my friends. Tommorow night we all get to meet Lind's new man... excited to meet him cause she's so happy right now.
Looking forward to my next weigh in,,, it seems so far away. I have to just stay focused. Today was a hard day and even though i was excited to see I lost 7 lbs, i was headachy all day. WHen this happens, i get scared and am like i should eat to make it go away. I always think my body is trying to tell me stuff... and im sure it is. But you know what? Im not where I need to be yet. Anyways, i think i will just go have a few carrots before bed that way I wont be starving in the morning and it will be easy to walk away from the table. yay! just remembered that I have egg whites in the fridge.... no cereal tommorow? We'll see how I feel. If anyone is reading this, thanks to all of those who posted a congrats to the 7 lbs loss. Means a ton to me. :)
Current Mood:  drained
Current Music: May 2006 ( a mix cd i just made)
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04:19 pm
[Link] | YAY! My weigh in was good.... I am now 143 lbs. Last summer I think i was 130, so its not too much to be proud of,, but I am. Today I ate 2 bowls of cereal but with no fruit, a bowl of vegetables, some canned peas, 2 crackers and a handful of marshmellows. This is it for today except for tea, coffee or diet pepsi. I was tempted to reward myself with food today, but this is something I have to promise myself not to do. If i want to get anywhere with this, I CANNOT be doing that!
Today I had a meeting for a volunteer placement with Healthy Schools and I think it went pretty well. Very Formal and lots of work, but interesting work. i also have to start studying soon again for spring session. Going out tonight for a birthday, will probably post later tonight.
Current Mood:  accomplished
Current Music: saves the day - thanks to a suggestion ;)
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09:02 pm
[Link] |
14 more hours!!!
Yay! Only 14 more hours before my first weigh in. I am sitting here with a cup of soup (45 cals) and its 9 pm. I probably won't even finish it. The last time I ate was before 2. This should be good. Anyways, tommorow should be a fairly easy day (assuming that the scale is nice to me) because I will be super busy. A nice breakfast, a good lunch and then maybe a grande nonfat sugar-free vanilla latte (160cals) beofre going out at night... yummmmm! tommorow i have A friends b-day at night, an interview in the day and still cleaning eveything out in my room. I really wanted to go for a walk tonight or even a jog... but I will wait for the weekend I guess. Still in search of a better bracelet... the other one didn't do so well with the chlorine. enough for now, may post again.
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Last song - Matt pond PA
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02:00 pm
[Link] | Cleaning my room again today. Ate breakfast, just the usual cereal and fruit. lol,, ate only one bowl but damn was it hard not to pour another! Its' 2 pm right now and I just finished lunch: a spinach salad with peaches, tomatoes and 1/2 and orange.... a bowl of mixed vegetables and a big tall glass of water.. yumm!!! Oh, and I had 2 whole wheat crackers w/ a fat free cheese slice. (every calorie counts, right?) I feel full, which i'm ok with today because i am pretty much done for today. I will eat a small 50-75 cal snack later on.. and then thats it!! Tommorow is the weigh in, so tonight i have to be very strong. I haven't noticed a ton of changes yet, mostly just in my hip bones, this is usually the first place I can notice change with my body. lol... now if only my stomach could take after my hips . . . lol. Anyways, i found out that i got a B+ in my organic chem course. This is fine by me, I guess an A was always a little out of my reach. WEll this is good for now, I will definately be writing again tonight, to keep me going.
Current Mood: good
Current Music: 'bother' by stone sour
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01:25 am
[Link] | I don't know that i weigh this much,,, but a month ago, I did weigh 150. I hope this tracker thing helps me stay on track. It shows me I have a f**ing long road ahead!!! shit. I know that even 125 may seem extreme since I realize that I have tons of muscle in my legs from playing so much soccer, but I dont care,,, that is where I should be before my sister's wedding. Anyways... my new weigh in is in TWO DAYS!!! Im scared and excited! I think I've done well. :)
http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/3;2;130;0;1/c/148/t/125/s/150/k/ce60/weight.png[/img]
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01:58 pm
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Day 9
So far, so good today. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast with some fruit. For lunch I had a bowl of vegetables and 2 crackers and 1 apple. This should almost be good for today, a tiny snack later on maybe. Looking forward to my weigh in, its the one thing that is keeping me going. Going to a movie tonight with him. yay.... it will keep me away from food! I have decided that I should drink more water instead of coffee...this will be my next goal. Cleaning my room out today... how the hell do i own so much stuff??? lol... anyways, I will write later.
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Death cab
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11:47 pm
[Link] |
Yay!
Today was a huge success! Im really excited. I ate only about 450-500 cals today. The pain in my stomach is not as strong as the excitement I feel for this day. My chem exam went well this morning... I should get at least a B+. Saw him tonight... love him, love him, love him. Tommorow is a new day to look forward to and to conquer. I have two more days before weigh in, so there is definately NO room for failure. I can do this. I just have to keep thinking about Thursday morning. After thursday morning, I think it will be a week and a half from then that i will have another weigh in. I know i shouldnt be thinking too far ahead and just keep taking it each day at a time, but I feel that if I keep them in short time periods, I will be less likely to break. Knowing that another weigh in is just around the corner will keep me motivated and focused. I work tommorow night.. blah. I wish I looked more forward to going to work sometimes... I worry that my patience that I once had for the kids has run out. My kids are all great this session and i just pray I will be the best teacher to them that I can be. THey shouldnt have to suffer just because I do. Anyways,, im pretty beat and I should get to bed.... GREAT JOB TODAY!! DON"T FORGET THIS FEELING!!! I really hope and pray that tommorow will go well.
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Teddy Greiger
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10:11 pm
[Link] |
Better
Today went ok. Weekends are hard. But tommorow will be the start of a new day and week. I will not give this up. I am so sick of studying.... my exam is at 9 tommorow morning, and I know i don't know everything, but I just can't seem to look at another page of chem! I really hope things go well. D comes home tommorow. Miss him lots. Wish I had done better this weekend... I might feel better around him. Oh well. At the end of this month, I have to go try on the bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding.. :< I want to be as thin as i can for this and by so I better shape up cause there is not much time until then. I know I can do this. There is no one in control except myself. I just have to prove this. There are things that just aren't worth it. I think I will try a liquid diet tommorow. lol... I wonder how this will go. I'll let you know tommorow.
Current Mood:  determined
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02:09 pm
[Link] |
This sucks
I'm writting the same thing i posted to ed friends cause it pretty much sums everything up :
OK, so yesterday was horrible! I got my period and ate sooooo much food! I was so good for the whole first day at the lake, I was so proud. And then yesterday everything fell apart! It was mostly all fruits(1 orange, 3 apples) and vegetables (two bowls full), but then I had 3 bowls of puff wheat cereal, whipped cream, half a chocolate bar, a rice krispie square, crackers and peanut butter!!!! ALL IN ONE DAY! Can you believe that? I kept saying, its ok cause I got my period today... why does this happen??? I am so frustrated.
Unfortunately, because of this slip up, I will not be weighing myself tommorow.... I will wait until things get back on track . . . I'm thinking Thursday morning. Because it was my period that threw me off, and for this reason ONLY, I will not start back at day one, so today is day Seven.
Current Mood:  blah
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11:08 am
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Day 4 and in control
This morning was another success.... no cereal! Stuck with the fat free cottage cheese and a tsp. of jam with a few slices of watermelon. I don't plan to eat again until about 3 or so. After that, I shouldnt have to eat tonight. Packed my own separate food for the lake (this would not seem abnormal to my family, i do this all the time) and have made a promise to myself that I cannot eat anything other that what i pack (which isnt very much). Leave later on around 10 pm which is good because it will be time to sleep as soon as I get there. I will post how well i did when i return. Thanks for the comments girls.... I will remember them while I'm gone. I will keep strong. I may write again later. Have to go study.
Current Mood: good
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08:59 pm
[Link] |
End of Day Three
Good work. I know it seems like there's a long road ahead of me, but I need to be proud of even just these few days. This weekend is going to be extremely difficult, I am heading out to the lake with half of my family. It has always been hard to not eat junk out there, especially in the cooler months. But this will be a huge accomplishment for me if I can stick to my routine. It will be good to get out there and study for finals... I'm just worried that studying+being at the lake equals trouble. I will do my very best, I know I can do it. Its only nine o'clock, and I'm starving.... I've had approx 700 cals today.... I wonder if after 700 I should feel full since some people eat less than 300,,, others none at all. I'm still happy with this tho. I need a good 4th day to prove i can get through it.
Current Mood:  worried
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12:38 pm
[Link] |
Hungry!
This morning I had about 200 cals for breakfast: 1/2 c fat free cottage cheese
a handful of bran flakes
1/2 of a banana
1 apple
I didn't have any cereal (well except for the bew bran flakes) but I'm really happy. I'm extremely hungry right now tho... I guess thats what this is all about lol. My goal for the rest of the day is to only eat about another 400-450 cals. I have to work tonight, and i will just be studying all afternoon for organic. I NEED to do well on this exam. He came over last night, I was really tired, not much energy. I love him so much, it hurts to keep this from him. He said last night that he was excited to see me in a bathing suit this summer... :0 OmYgod! I guess thats more inspiration: give him something to be excited about! Well, I'll write tonight... going to go make some tea and study.... maybe have some soup.
Current Mood:  hungry
Current Music: Hot 103 (local radio station)
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07:59 pm
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One exam done!
Studied all day today with Jessie and Phil. Exam went well for all three of us. During the day I ate about 20 small snack size carrots, 2 apples, a diet pepsi and half of a nonfat latte. Sitting here, having eaten only half of a bowl of salad that I made and am thinking that I will wrap up the rest and save it for tommorow. This will make up for the cereal this morning. I can't even promise myself that I wont eat the puffed wheat tommorow for breakfast, cause I just know my stomach is going to be so hungry. I'm not going to concern myself too much with this since one bowl is already a huge improvement!! Anyways, I feel good about today and look forward to tommorow. Have a little bit of a headache. D is coming over tonight.
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: good ol' billy joel
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10:58 am
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Trying to see the light
Today I have an exam at 6 pm. I love my school friends... I could not ask for nicer people to work through a degree with. Phil is super funny and keeps the day light. And Jessie is such a sweetheart, I love hanging out with her. So far today, I've eaten 2 egg whites and a bowl (only one) of puff wheat cereal. I know, I said no more cereal, already showing how little control I have. But usually in the mornings I'm so hungry that I'll eat three bowls of it and maybe a bowl of something else. So considering how little I ate yesterday, I feel this is a huge accomplishment. I plan on heading to the university soon, to study. I really want to do well and will hate it if I don't, I guess I've just felt distracted lately. I do not want to step on the scale every day... once every week or even two weeks will be good enough. I think I will go buy a diet pepsi before going to school. Hopefully tonight goes well. For school and for my control.
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09:38 pm
[Link] | I told you my entries would be a bit excessive at first. I did very well today. I am proud. Wrong to feel proud? Probably. Just one of those things I find myself not being able to control. I find myself not being able to control alot these days of how I feel. I want more than anything to be healthy, but at the same time . . . I know I can do this, I just know I can. My sister's wedding is coming up and I really want to be thin. Yesterday was a horrible day and I never want that to happen again! I just have to remember how horrible it felt waking up this morning knowing what I had done. The best thing about this little thing of mine is that no one knows about it. Not my family, not my best friends, not my boyfriend. If any of them found out, I would be so devastated. To them, I've always been someone with a head on her shoulders. I am an extremely determined person, don't get me wrong. But I'm not so sure my head is quite right. Anyway, like I said, today was a good day. Please let tommorow be kind to me as well. Good night and wish me luck.
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